On Panic

About once a year I have a panic attack. Last year it was because my dog got out and was running on busy streets. Since this happened less than a month after learning that my previous dog was hit by a car, I was unable to control the stress of the situation. Today, the near-attack came from school work. I was writing two papers and studying for a final for Wednesday. On a whim, I checked the date all of this is due. I was wrong. Tomorrow I have to turn-in the papers and take the final exam. It was 3:30 in the afternoon. I had a lot of notes and bookmarks for quotes but very little actually written. The final exam? It was barely on my radar. I then realized that I had twenty hours to write as many pages, study for a final, and try to squeeze in some shut eye. My breathing became shallower, my heart rate faster and my brain felt like it had been hit by lightening. I tried to work and control my breathing. After forty minutes, I knew that I could not control my reaction any longer. I called my boyfriend. I was able to get me breathing more regularly and promised to come over straight from work. Those ten minutes seemed like an hour. I just laid in my bed and fought the fits of fear and tears that accompanied them. I was breathing normally when my boyfriend came in. Unfortunately, that caused all of my emotions to spill over again. By 5 o'clock, he had given me a game plan for the next twenty-four hours. There would be a lot of writing and the minimal amount of sleep. Oh, and there would be cups upon cups of caffeine.

I know that all of this would have gone differently if I did not have him near me. Last year, I had to go to the hospital because nothing and no one could get me breathing slowly. Now, I just need to hear his voice. He is helping me control my anxiety better than any doctor has. I cannot tell him often enough how thankful I am to have him in my life. Yes, I get frustrated when he is forgetful and I go nuts when he drives too aggressively. However, those things are just molehills compared to the mountains of laughter and joy we share. No one else understands how I believe religion, science, and my life are carefully intertwined. No one else, other than colleagues, will listen to me go off on my ineffable connection to Spain or my love for a story I just read. No one else would understand why I need to write this entry before I can finish my essays. I just hope, and pray, that I never forget how much he means to me.